2003-01-02 : 7:46 p.m.
Reclaiming a way of life...

The following I wrote before the previous years demise… I was at work… and had been feeling a bit of panic in my blood…

(Again thank you for your wonderful assistance and support yet again, Mr. mustangusmc.)

In any case… at the moment… I had made the decision to not include it as an entry for any and all to read…

But outside of just feeling a bit scared and confused… I had no real reason to not want to write and share the following.

I had broken one of my personal and sacred rules…

Fear is never an option. Ever.

Nevertheless… just two days later… I already feel better about the decision I have made… And having this entry in plain site… will prove to be an excellent reminder.

As for the first time in my life… Instead of simply focusing on the blank canvas that awaits me… eagerly to be painted… I will choose to search for the colors that gave me strength… and not settle till I find them… and live the life that always innately gave me satisfaction…

I choose- in spite of fear, nerves, regret, apathy, and a jaded smile… that I want to be in love someday… soon…
eagerly…
again…

Hands down.

I want to love.

*********************************************************

Written, Date: 12-31-02 4:15 p.m.

Listening to: Echo and the Bunnymen

“I refuse to need your approval… because I’ve already played the game…” E & the B

What a year… christ what a year…

I have changed so much in this one year… and I’m sorry to report… I don’t feel I am a better person for it.

Looking back (something I’m sure most, if not all do at this time), I am having the most difficult time finding the “golden and mystical” thread through it all.

I find myself in a position… at the end of this road… where I feel so tainted and jaded.

The idea that I could meet someone new, and judge them by their own convictions and intentions towards me… independent I’ve felt or gone through in the past… is gone.

Yesterday for example, I received what at first was the most amusing email… declaring a sort of “internet fidelity” towards me… which brought me to absolute shit and giggles… the idea itself, just seems like an absolute oxymoron…

That it was flippin’ funny.

But then I found myself really bothered about it… (almost out of no where), and it gave me a kind of skeptical feel… that was uncomfortable. Because it’s nothing like I’ve felt before…

Absolute distrust… and for no God forsaken reason…

And I got so angry with myself…

How the hell did I become so jaded, so annoyingly difficult?

I’ve always made it a very conscientious choice, to not be this way… for two fundamental reasons…

It’s not fair to the person in question…

And it’s not fair to me. Because as soon as a judgment call like that, is made… I close all doors… and if anything is ever to blossom, in any direction… it automatically becomes an uphill battle.

In which… he will never win.

Fuck that… I would like to know who or what did this to me?

Who bit me in the ass when I wasn’t looking?

Hmmm…

I arrived in New York on February 15th, 2002…

I moved in with a boy… that I could have honestly told and sworn to you… I trusted more than anyone of my own blood…

I would have done anything for him… anything… because wether or not we could be…

He would never lie to me.

And after I had lost my trust in my father… he was all I had left…

And now, I have nothing…

I am 26… and anything and everything, I believed to hold true to my heart… a way of life…
Is null.

Nonexistent… and I never imagined I might need a back up plan…

Losing Jorge… after losing Danny G. to cancer… has hurt me irrevocably, just the same.
And now, I simply just do not know how to be.

The only thing I have left… is that sense of logic that tells me, it is in fact wrong to be this way…

It’s a theory that makes absolute sense… but within the scope of your or my existence, cannot be proven. And it really is a strange way for me to be… because I am not bitter, or hold any pity or sorrow for myself…

I’ve never been one to wallow… but for the first time in my life…

I am really scared…
I don’t want to get hurt again…

“yes, but that’s common.” You say. Yeah, yeah… I know… sounds like typical shit-
but not for me.

I’ve never been afraid of pain or the endless possibilities of being hurt. I’ve always relished being in love… and more importantly, just being able to love.
That in itself is better than anything on this earth. Especially for someone like I, who doesn’t really have faith in the whole “eternity” plan… this was my simple reason to live and live fiercely.

And now it seems, for once that I feel absolutely weak… As if all my insecurities have finally gotten the best of me.

At the moment, I keep finding myself talking on the phone with this beautiful boy… and I censor myself… me?!?!

What the fuck is that about?!?!

I’ve never had a problem saying anything ever… EVER!!!

I miss you.
I love you.
I want to be with you.
I want to know what your like.
I love your laugh.
You’re a joy in my waking and sleeping mind…

And nothing remotely close comes out!!! Fuck if it’s not mutual… fuck it.

That’s not the point…

I loved being in love… and god knows you can never force anyone to feel the same way…

And if well, they happened to… then that’s just icing on the cake!!!

But I refuse to ever think… that I could die tomorrow… and I wouldn't die with the peace that comes with knowing, that there wasn’t a person anywhere who knew me… who did not know exactly what I thought or felt for them…

This is deathly important to me…

And when I think of Danny G… it still is…

But somehow the cat has caught my tongue… and gone scurrying off!! Fucking filthy cat!!! Taking what doesn’t belong to him!!!

I want to be the young woman… a years ago today… with all the self confidence I carried on… as I walked into that office… gave my one month’s notice… put my car up for sale… and bought my ticket to New York…

So my love could reach grander scales… and grow…

Not be thieved.

Yes…

I want to love you… maybe as someday I will die loving Emilio from a distance…

I want to love you… maybe as I had loved Jorge without fear…

I want to love you… maybe for just the feel and smell of your skin…

I want to trust again…

Intelligently.

I want to love you…

Irrevocably.



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