mi casa, su casa

Listening to: Modest Mouse

Today was and is, for at least one hour and 55 minutes, the 13th� my favorite number�

Today began with such an odd feel- and I couldn�t figure out why. Was it the overcast sky? The chill? Or even the phone conversation that I had with Shawn last night, that lingered in my mind? Although, the talk had concluded sweetly � the doubt it had left me with was heavier than ever.

Nevertheless, on my way to the village (subset of manhatten) this morning, all I started to think about was the acting class I was off to. I was being consumed with nerves the whole walk there. You see, I haven�t been a part of an acting class or performed for that matter, in almost three years. I had the nerves of a rookie going into their first competition, and consequently found myself sitting in the back of the class when I arrived. (Which goes completely against my normal ambitious nature.)

But funny enough, as soon as the class began, the nerves passed and I felt younger than I had in a long time.

The atmosphere that I was in was what I had known, what I know.

And somehow, I belonged.

And in no time, I met two of the friendliest folk. Two, (very obvious) Latinos- a male and female� giggling and carrying on, also sitting in the back. In an instant I was swallowed into their comradeship and felt such a release in the random chit-chat. I hadn�t felt that invigorated by the presence of good company since I had met James. (My previous roommate that moved to L.A.) I was gitty with fun. And it was then, that the first of three odd and Celestine moments occurred today.

One of my new mates began the inevitable and asked how and why I got to New York. Much of the story began and went smoothly, until my new acquaintance began the barrage of questions, that would come to define a portion of my life, in that very moment�

He asked, �So wait� you came here� New York� alone?�

�Yes.�

�So you didn�t know anyone when you got here?�

�Yes, I did. But she moved soon after I got here to L.A.� I responded.

�That sucks.� And then his facial expressions began to contort. (At first it was a look of: absorption in thought, to that of confusion.)

�So wait�� he hesitated, and then the question that would make my time stand abruptly still�

� So� like� you�re alone� I mean, you don�t have any friends here?� They both had a look of �their dogs had died� on their faces.

And what was probably only seconds, felt like minutes, as my brain struggled to find the proper answer to this question.

Let�s see: Kyona left to L.A.- James left to L.A.- Danny A. is M.I.A.- Jorge, gone and soon moving back to Florida. And oh, yes� Shawn� I was temporarily stumped. But the answer was too obvious to ignore�

�No.� I answered. �No, I don�t.� and then I smiled to try to give them some kind of reassurance that it was okay nonetheless� It wasn�t any kind of sympathy ploy� just the truth as it were, at that very moment. But from the saddened look on their faces it obviously wasn�t enough and had to give them some verbal reassurance.

�Really, it�s okay. I�ve been doing okay. It�s all just kind of worked itself out that way. But I�ll be fine, honest. It�s not a permanent choice or anything� It�s just the way it�s been.�

Then he said the funniest thing��Hey! We�ll adopt you!�

�Adopt me?� (laughing).

�Yeah, definitely! Your funny, adorable� and a latina for sure, an artist� mixed up in this wall street city� we gotta take care of each other, ya know?�

And so, I had been adopted.

But the pivotal thing about that moment for me really was coming to terms (to a degree anyway) with what kind of relationship Shawn and I have, or lack thereof. I am completely taken by him, as most of you know� but I realized something last night�

We will never be� ever. As much as I wish it weren�t so� he has pure angst towards me� and apparently for some time� I had (unknowingly) been on a serious �shit-list� as a girlfriend who had treated him like apparent �shit�� and that was a direct quote.

As I�m sure I�ve written about before, I had a very troubled month recently� I had no prospects on where to live, no money, a job without steady hours, I was terribly homesick... in an apartment, completely barren and alone... I had just lost one of my best-est of friends through a serious deception, my brother had essentially run away from home, the only friend outside of Shawn in this city- had left the city, found out my grandfather�s cancer had returned and is dying (I will never see him again), and he (Shawn) was consumed by his new job.

I was to say the least� having a hard time dealing. And I knew I was not being myself with him� I needed time to take care of it all, to be and feel devoted to him again. And I can�t begin to tell you how often I talked to him about it� I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn�t him� and I needed time to regroup� and he seemed so receptive and understanding most of the time, he did. But as it turns out� he wasn�t. Which is what has confused me for quite some time� Because I honestly thought it was okay to completely lean on him for the time being� yet, apparently I was blind.

You see, he was there. His body. Too exhausted for anything more, but I understood and it was okay. He was at least at my side� when all he could do was be my heat� he was� and I know I have continuously thanked him� but to no avail. I tried with whatever energy I had left to remind him of my love� emails, subsequent diary entries devoted to him, I knew he would read� petting him as he fell asleep� what I could. And nothing� all into one ear and out the other. I just can�t believe that he has branded me a �shit�- giver� for a time I could not have worked out any differently for myself. And the idea is so ingrained in his mind� so stubbornly� that I will never be able to escape this shadow he has placed me in, I will never win.

It just pains me to know, that I couldn�t be allowed to be fallable to an extent, and be selfish for just a bit and take care of myself� so I could be whole for him. How could anyone not be allowed? Shit, he is being allowed the world from his friends, family� and oh look! ME! While he goes through his stuff... Because he has the right to work this out in the best way he knows how� he too is fallable� and damn it� I didn�t run or shunt him when he continuously snapped at me, for all his stress� because I knew it wasn�t me, I knew and made every effort to understand and help him, as best as I could� and because people, couples, whatever have ups and downs, they work to come out of it together� Which is one reason why I love reading Mr. mustangusmc entries so much� they remind me of the resolve to love someone enough, to actually want to grow and get through anything with them�

It�s amazing the patience and strength you can summon when you really love someone�

Doesn�t that reflect his feelings towards me? Doesn�t it? I have to find away to stop being so benign to what is obvious. He�s only gonna completely let me go when he finds what he wants from another in due time� and that I feel will just destroy me. The unfairness of it all.

Well, that was one Celestine moment that occurred today� and I�ll write about the other two soon� at the moment I fear this entry has become to boring and long. (my apologies if you�ve made it this long.) And I�m emotionally spent� really spent. Maybe tomorrow?

And no, I haven't heard from him since, busy with friends i'm sure.

I guess if I were the kind of person to really belive in wishing on a falling star... I would wish not to love him the way I do... especially since I know he then wouldn't be motivated by any sense of guilt to stick around... and yet I look at the change he made in his fav's list comment of me, and I can't help but to fall into that damn cycle of hope again.

I want to call him, he's off today. But I won't. I think I need to observe and get a grip of the obvious and let it go.

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24