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2002-10-15 : 2:03 p.m.
a letter not so anonymous
Listening to: Jesus Jones (hey, don't knock it, ey?!!)
Well, I just finished writing Shawn a letter and it holds stuff I want to remember, so I'm gonna paste the puppy here... it's more sap... so if you're not in the mood... by all means check a little later... I have some other stuff I want to write about, but alas! I won't get to it 'till tonight i think... here it is: Well, let's see... I just read your new diary entry and I realize that you wrote this before our conversation last night... and still I find I have no way to prove anything to you. If there were, I would have done it already... and reading about how you think that i'm only missing you because I'm alone... killed me. And only reinforced to me, that all that I feel for you isn't real to you. And i have admitted, maybe not to you directly, but to others and said it on my diary... that being alone here does not help, at all... of course... But not the reason for my feelings for you... you see, my feelings have not changed from beginning to end... and I'm so fucking proud that I'm getting by and still living and finding reasons left and right to still smile about... without anyone's help... I can say I did this all on my own... without a doubt... and I have no worries that I won't in due time find my niche and some new pals to hang with... no doubt. And this is why I know my feelings are truthful... if loneliness was in fact my motivating force... I would have spent the time resolving things with Danny from the start and just hung out with him instead, but I didn't because that is not the issue with me... if that isn't proof of my feelings for you, I don't know what is. And I understand all the reasons you had for bailing on us... but let's not forget (when you question: why your girlfriend's leave, when it's tough?) well, in our case, as I am not speaking for your past... but in our case when the going got tough, you shut me out my love. For whatever reason. And really, you have to give me a shit load of credit here... because I have stuck it out... with all that you are going through I have been here... because I love you and want to know for myself that you are okay... I have been here day in and out... and even if you didn't care to have me by your side... I have been there... I am here... how can you not see that? How can that not be proof in itself? I just don't know. I really am sorry that all the grief I was feeling and sadness I had--you took as me treating you like shit... I really am sorry. But as you can see, I really have been making the effort to not take YOU treating me like poop personally, because like you said... you are treating everyone like poop... and so with love, I've let you be, because you have to deal in how you know best... I don't know what else to tell you, and it all has nothing to do with being right or wrong about anything... I just think somehow... from the start, I've been paying the price for all the wrongs people have done to you... unintentionally of course... and I have no way of proving myself on my own independent merits if you don't let me... I am convinced that you don't see all the good and honest intentions I have held for you and continue to hold for you, because your vision is clouded with crap that other people have done to you. If I'm going to be judged, I can only hope that some day... you'll look back and judge me on my own, separate from your past. Because I cannot and will not be able to defend myself, ever, against your past. I want so much for you to feel and get better, and if the soul could take some tangible form, I could prove it... I could prove it all... but I can't. I hope today proves to be a little better for you, and you won't hesitate to call me should you need anything at all... as always. Smooooooches, alex
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