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2002-11-11 : 2:23 p.m.
...time to replug the Subcircus...
Listening to: Front 242, Front to front; 1988-1989
The following is an email I wrote to devallyk I would never really think to post such a thing... but it kind of took a life of it's own: a reminder to the self- and as such a personal diary entry as well... I hope you got the chance to read it as an email first Fletch... or else I would feel a bit retarded that you read it here first. *********************************** Email: Fletcher Eeeehhh... Fletch... You break my heart Fletch... "...but I still don't trust 'HER' with him..." eehhh... Fletch... how I understand... and not just because of this whole Shawn nonsense... but I've been a 'Claire' in a more ignorant phase of my life... and retardedly so, I have also been a Fletch... and I fear, we will be Fletch's many times over... and having been both... I would much rather be going through 'Fletch-y' seasons more times over... than what Claire will be going through... at some point soon... eehhh... how do i explain? yes, yes, sorry... the point... the point is... we do and function, with what we 'know' up to that given point... and frankly Fletch... the girl is functioning from a very adolescent and benign level... And it's not an insult in any way... it's a fact... she will never understand what she doesn't know... until she reaches the point herself... And you love... are by far, such a strange and peculiar commodity... and I don't mean... b/c of 'manners', and 'old fashion sense'... you think on a level that is quite profound and grounded... a level that leaves you open and receptive to the world around you... you learn, without necessarily having to be the butt end of the actual learning experience... understand? The majority of the population take an entire life time to reach this level and many times, reach it when it's too late... I've thought about it quite a bit, and I do ultimately think this is why so many people are drawn to your writings... not just b/c you happen to be good at it... (being clear, concise, and obviously creative)... that's not it... you see, there are many diaries out there that are oh so fun! cute! or even sad in the relentless "why's" of life... as opposed to honoring their grief and choosing to be an active part of their experience... but you.... eehhh... how rare it is to find someone young... who can think and revere in such a fashion... People are often drawn into experiences of others, not because of the actual experience... rather into the "how" of: how the peron deals with it... and ultimately watch the other function in a way they wish they could be... to watch the average human for a hero... who dissects and almost fearlessly "lives"... as opposed to viewing the super hero, that zaps and it all just disappears... (well, that doesn't ever count for much... does it? To anyone.) No... it's the ability you have to honor experiences through exploration and understanding... as opposed to being over run by them and viewing them as mere nuisances... And you're what 23? Jesus... what's in the water over there!?! (...my bad... coal... coal... right...) Ay-ya-yay... Fletch... you see... you lived... you moved for her and followed through, on what at times seemed like a bluff... through and through... And I do understand... I obviously do not know this girl... but your factual input makes me feel like I'm reading a quick bio for muah... of an ignorance I choose to never live again... Fletch, she will eat it really really bad on this... really really bad... the sucky thing is that... yes, you kinda deep down... wish it were happening now... so you can say: "Good Damn it! I'm not the only one tearing here!" --- b/c to have your pain equally validated is always a plus... so we think. But trust me, oh god, trust me... it will be so much worse for her... because she does care and love you fletch... or else the attachment wouldn't be there... she wouldn't call... But she's caught up in the superficial 'feel' of what's good in her world... And she mistakenly thinks... that is what the 'search' is for... but the realization behind "mistakenly" will happen unfortunate to you, in her own due time... and when it does... jesus... nothing hurts more than regret Fletcher... nothing... because that is where the loss of control truly takes place, and you Fletch... have nothing to regret, nothing... because you chose to love with experience at your side... not with it as a weight... Trust me, as one who once lived in a state like "Claire-ness"... and Fletch... even under the best of conditions... she's just not there yet... and I fear when she does get there Fletch... odds are, you will be on a different road... Just don't waver... don't waver... and less, do not lose sight that you have every right to feel as you do... because your truth to your experience and sense of vulnerability is so much more than just attractive... it's a show of strength... ditto Fletch: If you need anything... -Alejandra
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