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2002-12-08 : 11:12 a.m.
once bitten, twice shy... Listening to: Tinsel Town (Music from the BBC series, disc 1) Oh mother of God... here we go... This acting class is turning out to be more interesting thatn I ever imagined it would be... (Aside: You should be amused Sir Fletch... as per our convresation...) Bare with me... but this lttle laudry listed stuff may prove to be beneficial to know in some way: No not... MARSHA! MARSHA! MARSHA!... just Marsha, thanks... Both characters are entirely opposite in every which way... and through a process of stories and self discoveries... they come into there own (honestly) and become the ultimate catalyst for strength... for each other... and so... the barrage of questions begins... "Well Alex... where are you at this point?" my theatre instructor asks... her name is Alice by the way... "Umm well... she's still pretty clueless... I mean... she still thinks by "acting" like the smarter, more refined, more educated... that she then has a way of "exerting" some kind of power... it's the way she defines her strength... and of course... she realzes by the end of the play... how much of a crock that is... and in fact... she has lost all power... by not letting herslef just "be"... y'know, more of just a "woman"... more... uhhh... whole... on her own terms..." "And how does it connect to you?" "Well..." I continue... "Honestly? Ummm... I relate more than I had immagined... I re-read it again last night... started to break down the scene... and I had just finished having this conversation with an English friend of mine... and ummm... he used a term last night that went over my head... and I really couldn't just get him to explain, since I understood... Instead, I just let it go, because I felt annoyed with myself, for not just getting "it"... and once that happened, I couldn't even get out the gist of what I had really wanted to talk to him about. Because, all of a sudden I felt vulnerable with him... and with something that really is so silly... But I didn't like that feeling... of being insecure... and over something so dumb... well, it triggered it anyway..." "Insecure? Because maybe you like him?" "well..." (I started laughing.) "I had a moment of: 'you don't know it all'... Not that I should, but I felt a bit at a loss with him... like... if I can't get something so small and simple... then this man could 'out smart' me... See, Martha makes it a point to come across very smart and intellectual... and "un fuckable"... kinda like, if you dare cross her... you just 'feel' like this woman could seriously beat your ass.." "Even though she probably has never layed a hand on anyone in her life?" "Exactly... but she does this, so that no one can contest her... and I don't think she really even realizes that its a defensive way of being... because the idea of handing that kind of power over to a man... the idea that he may just be "smarter"... well, that's just something she can't let happen... it scares her too much... It's like she's so scared of being led on... she takes "preventive" measures... y'know?" "Against whom...?" (I start laughing nervously... again... cuz I know what the woman is trying to drag out of me...) "Ummm... against anyone really... but I think it's brought on by her husband... yeah... that way if he does anything to hurt her... she can still come out of it... on top... "in control"... and therefore deny him... or "think" she is, denying him the possible right of a throphy 'killing'... you know coming out... unscathed... better... clean... free... and she: crumbled from the weight... and all exposed... for really letting him in... and letting him know... that she's maybe, just maybe... not as smart... and therefore not as sexy... pretty... yada, yada... everything that falls after..." "Hmmm..." She just sits there in silence for a bit... "For next week... I think you should include this last phone call you had... and explore that a bit more...But yes, good... very good your're getting there..." (I'm thinking...'Great... great... self-discovery... via a boy I've never personally come to know... just FABU...) "Oh and Alex..." "Yes." "I want you to look over that whole 'orgasm' conversation/scene... okay? It's important to look at her self discovery at that point of the game..." (*I'm still laughing my ass on that one*) Well... that's just flippin' great... A discussion on my relation to Marsha and her lack of orgasms... and a pseudo-conversation with Fletcher... all in front of twenty other people to dissect... Ha! Talk about 'once bitten... twice shy'...
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