2002-12-09 : 7:11 p.m.
A walking corpse

Listening to: The Verve Pipe. (Underneath)
Such a fantastic album... makes me meloncholy... imaginative... blushedly horny... and loving all at once...

hmmm...

I'm at a huge loss with Shawn... really huge... because I want to help him... and I simply can't.

The boy that I met... was nothing like the boy that now sits tortured in his room...

who does love me.

And it is such... that hell should work out the way it does...

because we will not ever be one...

this I've always known... even if I had faught it so.

And i can't explain it or him on paper...

and I have no way of describing the doting and devoted boy he was... can be... and wants to be... but is too grief stricken... that he can only lash out...

And please...

I do not excuse any and such rash behaviour...

I have always faught back...

But I know I have never been the reason for this and any anger.

And I refuse to be an added casualty or victim.

And it breaks my heart. It all breaks my heart...

It really would be easier had he been another "Pedro" in my life...

Now that... god, that was hell in all it's colour...

The few friends (and I mean few) who know the stories in detail...

Always...

are shocked...

"... you? You? Really? But how? How did you let that happen? But you're the toughest person i know? That's impossible.. you're lying... there's just no way..."

Well, it happened...

He did everything, but literally raise a hand to me...

And there was a brief time... I wish he had...

because at least I would have had some physical evidence, for the demise of my soul...

And strangely enough... I'm am a bit grateful... that it happened... and that it's made me the person I am...

Because I know...

I know what it's like to be a living corpse...

and function as part of the hive mind...

and to feel like your body has been violated...

by someone you think you love...

and are convinced...

he loves you.

I know what it's like to just walk and be... for everyone else...

I can actually understand Shawn... when he tells me he feels like:

"he can't feel anymore"...

I understand that much... and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

except maybe Pedro...

Just so I could be sure, it would never happen to anyone again...

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24