2003-04-23 : 12:30 a.m.
Thinking of closing shop...

Listening to: Evanescence (Fallen) I think...

I'm far more fucked up than I had previously thought...

After speaking to Shari the other night... I've come to the conclusion that she's right...

I'm far more burned... than I imagined.

I'm changed.

The girl that came to New York, is not the same one that left Miami. And not in a good way... not in a positive direction...

I need to think...

I need to regroup...

And figure out who fucked me up... what fucked me up... and how did I let this happen.

And in the end, I think I may have to get out of diaryland all together.

It's given me more in the end than I ever dreamt of...

wonderful new friends...

and the gift of a wonderful beautiful English man in my life...

but frankly, I can't even read guest book entries without feeling so fucking pissed...

and anyone who really... really knows me... understands I resolve EVERYTHING one way or another.

I never leave things half assed... or with any room for doubt... ever. Life is too short for that.

But the fact that this diaryland... which was the source of so much good... is becoming the source of too much pain...

Because it gave me Fletcher...

and yet, it threatens to rip what I have with him apart... and God knows I can't ask him to move house... and the canine wenches that be, would probably sniff their way back to him anyway...

It's horrible, because I now know something very horrible...

I don't trust him completely. And it has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with him.

And that's never happened to me before.

And I can't handle the little nuances and retarded shit that get's left, emailed, and followed up with... to him, for him... and of course to me... (oh yeah...)

but that little wee wench... from the states... (oh you know who you are...)

beware.

Because I won't walk away from this... Normally, if you can't remove the thorn from your side, then you always try to remove yourself from the annoying bush. (Oh, and I mean that with every thread of a nuance it holds.)But again, no one should have to shut down their diary, in order to throw the bitch off the scent...right?
It really is just ridiculous. I should be able to just ignore it... yeah.. okay... but the girl makes her presence known... and it's getting her exactly what she wants me annoyed. And I can't stop.
And this annoyance is just building and building, and it has no where to go. I feel like I have no way to resolve it. No way to reach that painful... unreachable... itch, at the middlest point of your back.

And so many things come to mind, when I think... think hard, as to why such benign infantile crap is eating my core... and just resulting in pent up frustration, that only my poor loving Fletcher, finds himself caught in. And it's not fair. To him... or to me really.
But yes...too many things, reasons, come to mind. For one, the stress of this whole situation...the distance and all. Coupled by the fact, I have never felt this way for anyone before. Which in itself only raises the bar, for the pain inflicted by this distance. Then you have just my backbone...well..in general... it's just not there anymore. Not like it use to be. And you'd think with age and time, you'd get better at dealing with things, but I'm finding out now... that the past six years of my life...have broken the camel's back...
broken my spirit.
I laugh, and laugh a lot as usual...with all around me...because that's just the way I am. That is per the norm.
But I don't laugh because I'm happy.

All this time, I thought I had let go. Done the: "learned how to live with"...or..."in spite of". When in fact all I learned how to do well, was ignore.

Nevertheless... I have to figure out a way to fix this... this hell that has become my head...

or else I stand to lose Fletcher, due to an insanity inflicted by everyone else...and not him.

I just don't know...honestly...how I'll keep myself from wanting to read his diary... I mean, it's how I came to know this beautiful boy. And I want to know, and read... his words, his insights... which is just delicious as always. But I'm tired of your shit little girl...(not you Fletcher)... the thorn.
And it's your lucky day hon', because I'm not at my best at the moment... That which has nothing to do with you.
Nevertheless, the only way... I think I can keep myself off his pages... off of reading what he writes to people and vice versa... which can cause a whole other caniption... I think I need to close shop. And then I wouldn't have anything bringing me here to begin with.
And as much as I've completely come to adore getting to know and reading some of you... for me it really was never about the stats check... ever.

Like it is for Fletcher and others.
So it's up to me to walk away.

previous : next

* - 2007-07-05
--------------------- - 2006-05-30
hello, goodbye - 2006-05-24
Pinky burglar - 2006-03-09
So let's go... - 2006-02-24